


Coming to terms

by GamblingDementor



Category: In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Character of Color
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 09:50:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7431069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GamblingDementor/pseuds/GamblingDementor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fifteen years of what the closet feels like before you come out of it.</p><p>Fill of a prompt I got on my tumblr (hamiltonandfluff, come say hi!).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming to terms

Carla is ten and she doesn't like boys. All of her friends are girls. She'd never want to play with a _boy_. Girls are funnier and wear pretty dresses and they're not as naughty as the boys. Her friends all whisper to each other about all the crushes they have on the boys, who is cute and who is ugly. Carla finds them all ugly, but when they ask her, she replies that there's a cute boy she likes at church. There isn't, but she doesn't want the others to think she's weird.

 

Carla is eleven and Ms López is the best teacher in the whole world. She wants to be just like her when she grows up. She loves her smile and her hair and her voice and how patient and gentle and pretty she is. She loves how she always explains things twice and how she never raises her voice even when the boys are being too loud.  She loves her lipstick and her nice blouses. She admires her so much.

 

Carla is twelve and she pins posters of movie stars up her bedroom walls. She's just like all the other girls, she has a crush on Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt and all these other cute guys from Hollywood. Boys her age are just dumb and gross, but the men from the movies, they're something else. She'll never meet them but she'll always love them from here, from her tiny room in the Heights. She'll definitely feel the same about the boys here at some point, when she meets some new ones who aren't stupid. There's definitely boys she would like somewhere out there.

 

Carla is thirteen and _she mustn't stare_. It'd make the other girls uncomfortable and she doesn't want to be a creep. She hates gym, even though she's good at it, because the locker room is hell. She's surrounded by her classmates changing into their shorts and tank tops and she feels so envious of them all. Some of them have bigger boobs than her already, better bodies, some wear thongs, and she feels jealous, she feels upset. She can't look away, all that skin that crosses her path. She _has_ to look away.

 

Carla is fourteen and she has a boyfriend. They haven't kissed so far, not yet. He's tried but she thinks they're too young. Who would want to kiss anyone when they're fourteen? She has plenty of time before she gets to kiss boys. It's something women do, not teenage girls. The other girls kiss their boyfriends and Carla doesn't understand them. She's probably not mature enough. If she was, she'd want to kiss him. When they've dated for two months maybe she'll tell him he can kiss her. He breaks up with her before the two months mark.

 

Carla is fifteen and she'd love to be a fashion designer after high school. She loves checking out the cute outfits all the girls wear. She wishes she'd learned how to be an artist − she'd love to draw girls all day long, for their cute outfits. She can't help staring at girls in the street because she admires their style so much. The boys just all dress gross and wear dull colors. If they had pretty outfits, Carla would stare too, she's sure. It's just that none of them do.

 

Carla is sixteen and she decides she doesn't want a boyfriend because she's too busy for school. She doesn't know if she's dumb, but not everything comes naturally to her and she needs time to focus on her classes. It's not that she _never_ wants a boyfriend at all, of course she does. She'd love to have a boyfriend in several years, when she has time, when she's out of school. It's so easy to not think about boys and just do her homework and see her girl friends when she needs to unwind. She congratulates herself on being such a good student. That has to be why she doesn't miss having a boyfriend, because she's so hardworking.

 

Carla is seventeen and she loves her best friend so much. She wants to spend all of her time with her and always asks to hang out, to do everything together. Sometimes they do each other's hair and it's Carla's highlight of the day every time. It's because she does it better than Carla on her own, it must be. They cuddle when they watch movies and they know all of each other's secrets. When she leaves to see her boyfriend, Carla feels almost empty on the inside. That's how everyone feels about their best friend, she's sure.

 

Carla is eighteen and she still doesn't want a boyfriend. She tells herself she wants to stay pure for the right one. She's saving herself for the perfect guy and she hasn't met him yet. She's sure that she'll just know when she meets Mr Right. Then she'll want to be with him, she'll want to share his bed, she'll enjoy it. All the guys she knows are just not the right ones for her. There is one out there waiting for her.

 

Carla is nineteen and she found out that her brother watched porn on the family computer when they were out and left him home alone. She hates herself and tries to resist the temptation but she opens one tab from the history and checks it out. She doesn't understand why the videos have to have guys in them. She can't help the scowl on her face when she sees a man naked. The women are fine. In fact, the women are very beautiful. It'd be much better with no guys at all. She closes the tab and clears the history. Images of the women fill her mind at night in bed and she wonders if Jesus hates her.

 

Carla is twenty and she loves working at the salon. Surrounded with all these women every day, she feels exactly in her right element. It's a passion, surely. She loves nail art, she loves cute hairstyles, she loves the gossip and the make-up and the fashion and the bonding with all sorts of women. She's so lucky to have so many friends. She's so lucky to have a boss she admires so much. Daniela tells her stories, gives her all these special tips on working at the salon and on life in general, shares so much with her, and she has so much presence. Carla is glad to spend so much time with her.

 

Carla is twenty-one and Daniela is taking her out to the club to celebrate. She drinks half of one light cocktail till it rushes up to her head. Dani tells her she should go ask the guys to dance but Carla doesn't want to dance with any guy. She supposes she doesn't like dancing. But why does it feel so nice when Daniela and her go dancing after she finishes that cocktail?

 

Carla is twenty-two and it's becoming harder to find an answer when her family ask why she hasn't found a nice boyfriend yet. She knows there's people who just don't date, like Daniela, like Abuela Claudia when she was younger, and who are all the happier just on their own, but that's not her. She wants love, she wants intimacy, she wants it all. She just hasn't found a guy who makes her feel like it's worth it. She starts to wonder if she'll ever find that guy.

 

Carla is twenty-three and Vanessa tells her she's bisexual. She can't stop thinking about it. She imagines women kissing, women holding hands, women living together, women in love. She tells herself it's because she doesn't quite know how well that'd sit with Jesus. It's because she's worried for her friend. When she asks her pastor, he tells her that God loves all His children equally. She feels as though the weight of the world has lifted off her shoulders.

 

Carla is twenty-four and a girl kisses her on New Year's Eve. She wasn't expecting it − they were dancing and having fun and the party was exciting and so much fun and suddenly people started to count down and she had lips on hers, just briefly, but enough to turn the world upside down. She freezes in place, stares, tries to understand. Then she kisses back.

 

Carla is twenty-five and she tells Daniela she's a lesbian. Daniela laughs and tells her the whole block has known for years.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


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